I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
