My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
