when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Sober January is a disaster.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
