I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
