I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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