I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
