The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Success! We fucked roommates!
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