Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
