Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
