Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
