Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
