I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
