god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I cannot find my penis.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
