The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You're like the curious george of whores
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
