apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So vagazzling was a success
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
