Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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