I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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