I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
