I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
