My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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