hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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