omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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