i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
