I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
