True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Randomize
