Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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