Michael Bay diarrhea
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
