he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
