plz talk dirty to me
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
