I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
