I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
