We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
