One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
