I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Found the puke drawer
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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