I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
