I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Randomize
