im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
