So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
