You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Is Oprah even human
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
