Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
