Your face is a jimmy john
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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