don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
