just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
