Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
