his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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