He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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