i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
