I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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