Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
This is my gift to your gina
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
