I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
